Tales Of Testosterone: “To Be A Man, Ya Gotta Act Like A Man? Kinda”

Before I get into this week’s shallow pool of my own self-absorption, I wanna relay a little thing that happened to me last week.

Most of the last two weeks have been kinda’ hectic. I’ve had a wad of deadlines, more phone calls than ya wanna think about, plus evenings of workin’ on how to better spread my thought process to the masses.

So one evening I decided that I needed to get off the ranch for a little while. It was a weeknight so I figured there wouldn’t be that many old ladies to shove around at the mall. I thought I’d go and pick up the manly DVD of Open Range. This was as good a night as any.

I got up there and as I suspected, there wasn’t much of a crowd. I picked up the DVD right off and then cruised around just checkin’ stuff out, every now and then I’d cuss under my breath to no one in particular that Hollywood should make more westerns.

After givin’ the dick eye to all the young dummies that kept askin’ me if I had everything I needed? dumbass question? all they had to do was look at my manly self and see that I did. I figured it was time to strap on the feed sack. I headed to the food court. Get something quick and easy. Sit back and be glad that damn computer wasn’t lookin’ at me.

I stroll into a place order up and find me a table. I didn’t bring anything to read so while I ate I just aimlessly looked around and stared at nothing.

My daydreamin’ was interrupted by the young couple at the table in front of me. They looked to be some where between 21 and 25 years old. A regular lookin’ young couple. The guy had a couple of metal things stabbed into his face, ya know, he had that pierced thing goin’ on. The girl was attractive enough? seen better, seen lots worse.

Anyway, he was talkin’ loud enough for me to hear, but not loud enough to cause a scene. He was kinda gettin’ on the girls for forgettin’ his mustard, napkin or something. She was sayin’ she was sorry in a quiet, but calm voice. I could tell she just wanted him to not bitch at her. Kinda’ obvious this was his regular tone. The boy was a high maintenance Ford Pinto that thought he was a BMW.

I continued eatin’ and lookin’ around at the passin’ herd of people that looked like cattle with shoppin’ bags. Wasn’t long and the guy at the table started bitchin’ again, this time about his glasses “she” left in the car. Again, she said she was sorry. He huffed and puffed and then they were gatherin’ up their stuff since they were done eatin’.

She stood up first. I was kinda starin’ straight ahead, which now put her in my frontal view. Again, I knew she was there, but my head was elsewhere? no doubt thinkin’ about whatever it is that I think about when in this state. All of a sudden, his metal embedded face sticks up from around her lookin’ at me with an expression of bein’ annoyed.

GUY: Hey, You lookin’ at my girl?

I was brought back to mall reality by this really clever question of his. I hadn’t heard a question asked in that tone since Walker, Texas Ranger went off the air.

In those really micro seconds that your mind works in, mine was comin’ into gear as I registered his question. First instinct and reaction was to shift down into baboon gear. That would mean my eyes gettin’ beadier than they already are, and replyin’ with my own question that would involve me removin’ enamel from his teeth in a way that wouldn’t feel too good unless he was hopped up on Novocain.

But then another switch clicked in my head. The one that channeled his question into the cell of my brain that deals in humiliation. I became calm and the shifted out of baboon gear and up into one that is cruel, evil and makes the other guy feel like he is wearin’ lipstick and open toe high heels.

In an almost meek, surprised tone I said:

BEAU: Ooh, I’m sorry, what did you say?

When he heard my tone I could see him thinkin’ that he was the alpha male and he was backin’ the bearded guy down. If he had hair on his back it would’ve been standin’ up right then. He was full of himself now. Feelin’ real top dog.

GUY: I said, “Are you lookin’ at my girl?”

He didn’t even have enough brains to try and say something close to bein’ witty with his new found power.

Moron.

I looked at him with a calm look, one not to raise any fuss.

BEAU: Why, no? I wasn’t. In fact she was sorta’ in my way?

I then produced a very “sweet” smile, looked at him tryin’ to resist overactin’ and flutterin’ my eyelashes and said:

BEAU: I was lookin’ at you.

Well, for about five seconds after my words entered his no thought zone? his brain? his eyes got all wide and I could see that homophobe haze engulf his tiny little brain. He stuttered and looked really puzzled as I kept smilin’ at him with that “I’ve Been In Prison Too Long” look.

There was a slight smile on his girl’s face. She was smart enough to know the score.

He then shook his head a little and realized that this was the last place he really wanted to be. He tugged at his girl’s coat and muttered that they should get out of there? this guy is queer.

He left very confused and I suspect by the way he walked he had his butt pinched so tight he’d fart out his ears for a week.

I just kept smilin’ as they walked out. That boy learned a little lesson in manhood. At least for a few minutes. I’m sure that most of the evening he whined to anyone that would listen that some ol’ gay cowboy was hittin’ on him at the mall. Best part is that in the back of his pointy little head he’s wonderin’ if he appears gay to other men? after all? why would that queer cowboy say that to him if there wasn’t somethin’ kinda gay about himself.

Sometimes your inner baboon has to give way to the more cruel part of your brain. The place where mind games are played out with deadly aim.

“To Be A Man, Ya Gotta Act Like A Man? Kinda'”


Welcome To The Flying Fist Ranch? I Gotcha’ In My Site

Well, this past week there was a big event in the not only the comic book world, but the world wide web. The Flying Fist Ranch and all that is Beau can now be a part of your everyday life? 24/7.

My official webiste http://www.flyingfistranch.com is up and runnin’? off with your woman.

After weeks of really hard work and sweatin’ testosterone, Jason Brice of Silver Bullet Hosting, put up the last fence in the north 40 of The Flying Fist Ranch. The first week was pretty wild, we had lots of folks come by and check out everything that was goin’ on at the ranch.

Jason did a hell of a job. I wanted somethin’ easy to ride around in. I didn’t want any fancy flash stuff, goofy ass music, or any weird little things poppin’ up and buggin’ the shit out of ya. Just like drunken sex, I wanted to give ya something you could touch once and get where ya wanted quick before ya passed out. I think he did a great job on it.

The front page is pretty simple. You’re greeted by my manly smilin’ face. There are some contents that ya just click on and that’ll take ya on a trail to where ya can look at anything on the ranch. As ya scroll down the front page ya can get all the latest crimes that I’ve been involved with. Most is updated day to day. So it’s new and not borin’.

I wanted this site to be fun and light-hearted. No serious stuff that’ll drive ya to drink? ya should be doin’ that before ya get to my site anyway.
The ranch has all sorts of useful stuff that you’ll need to become more manly, ya know, like me. It’s got a section called The Brand. There you can read up on all the entertainment properties that I’ve created and own. That way ya won’t miss out on anything manly that ya may have missed.

There is a section called Trail Of Work. Here you can find out almost everything that I’ve ever written? or can remember due to the fact that I’ve had many a brain cell leave the sinkin’ ship through the years. There’s a whole list of stuff you can educate yourself on here.
There is The Photos section. This has already proved to be one of the most popular areas. There are all sorts of albums to cruise through. One of my Manly Friends. Here you’ll see all the amigos and amigas that have enjoyed bein’ a part of my manly life. You’ll see all sorts of famous comic book creators, tons of babes, and some really ugly moments in my life. Best parts are the captions for the photos. Humor abounds like the hair on my chest.

There is my Manly Family section. Here you’ll see the people I call family. It’s where the men are men and the women are glad of it. You’ll see me in all stages of my life? from cradle to my ever present manly self. Laughter has been heard around the world at Beau In The 70s photos.
Then there is my Manly Self section. Jason tells me that this section is really a hotbed for female surfers. Lots of hits by pretty women. The download ratio is staggerin’? much like me after a case or two of good cold beer. Loads of photos of me doin’ what comes natural? bein’ manly.

IMPORTANT: When ya click on any of the photos you’ll see not only the caption and description, BUT also a place where you can leave your own comments. I’m lookin’ forward to readin’ what ya got to say. That’s real important to me? unless ya got something ugly to say? then I’ll just ignore your ass.
The Artwork section is a great place to see all the latest art from my current and past projects. It’s filled with loads of extras like unpublished, never before seen art, model sheets and model photos, and lots more. Some of the stuff in there right now are Wynonna Earp, Parts Unknown, Maximo and some upcoming projects that’ll put the flutter in your putter.

The Biography section is a real treat. More info on me that you’ll ever wanna know. How I came to be what I am? a man! Don’t go thinkin’ this is some borin’ dry read? nope. It’s all about my life of fiction, based on fact. Ya might wanna hit this section first.
The Sample Script section will give ya a real manly thrill. It’s a never before seen, unpublished first issue of the aborted Black Terror comic that I did for Todd McFarlane at Image. It has the art by Clayton Crain and Alp Altier that no one has seen either. This is the sequel to the award winning Black Terror series that I did at Eclipse Comics with Chuck Dixon and Dan Brereton.

This is a great chance for those of you that wanna learn how to write a full script to get the basics. For those that like a behind the scenes gaze at what a script should look like, it’s there. And? for all you crummy British writers? this’ll show ya what you should be shootin’ for to really be able to write like a man. So just soil your pants now and crawl back into that little tea and crumpets store that your “mum” raised ya in. Ya apron huggin’ little fancy lads.

Also, on the front page of the site there is a place for ya to email me here at the ranch. I look forward to all emails lettin’ me know what’s on your mind and any questions on your manhood ya might have. I’m a helpful, carin’ kinda guy even when passed out under the table.

SPECIAL FEATURE: Here’s a little thing I’m gonna do. When ya check out the site, if ya email me a jpeg of yourself with your name and where ya live, I’ll post those photos on a special Manly Fans Of Beau section? this’ll be just for you. A chance to show everyone that after me? you can be the man. This is also for all you ladies out there that wanna be a cowgirl of The Flying Fist Ranch. As they say on TV? there’s more! When ya send your jpeg of yourself, if you include you mailing address and contact info, I’ll send ya a free B&W signed Beau Smith – Real Man print for free! The art will be one done by one of my famous artists buddies. So send yours in and tell all your friends.

Be a cowboy or cowgirl of The Flying Fist Ranch today! You have the option of havin’ your full name, first name or no name with the photo. Thing is… your caption will be written by me! Let the terror begin.

I hope that y’all send in your photos… ya don’t wan the section to be blank. That would reflect badly upon me. Then I’d have to come stalkin’ ya with my camera and takin’ photos you might not want the world to see. Think about it.

Ya got an open invite to The Flying Fist? come one, come all? and ya know what I’m talkin’ about so don’t get cute.

Here are some quotes from some comic book’s pros after they came to the ranch:

“AaAAAghh! I’m blind! I’m Blind! I saw the photos of Beau!!”
–Jim Lee

“It was amazing? I grew Elvis hair in my head after seeing Beau’s site.”
–Brian Michael Bendis

“It was so unsettling. After I went to Beau’s site… I ? I? robbed a liquor store, ate a bag of moon pies and put all my beer in fridge. What has become of me?”
–Neil Gaiman

“After being on Beau’s site, I wrestled a roll of barbed wire, put horse shoes on my wife and rode around town yelling ‘Yeeee-Haaaaw!'”
–Adam Kubert

“That wasn’t your wife, you moron? that was me.”
–Andy Kubert

“Beau’s site was? just terrible. I’ve been sober for a week and all I want to write now are Care Bear comics. The 80s still live…right?”
–Mark Millar

“After my trip to Beau’s website I’ve quit comics and have retired to the kitchen where I’ve always belonged. I feel so? complete now.”
–Colleen Doran

“I went to Beau’s Flying Fist Ranch? I can feel my legs again? It’s a miracle!”
–Warren Ellis

“ooOoOooH…..Kiss me, caress me, oh Beau baby, undress me!”
–Eva Mendes (OK, she not a comic book creator, but I just had to do it.)


That about wraps up the burrito for this week. I expect to see y’all at the ranch. For those of ya that wanna see a manly show on TV, check out Keen Eddie on the Bravo channel if ya can get it. Funny show that I always watch. Ya wanna be like me don’t ya?

As always? now I’m even easier to find:

Your amigo,

Beau
The Flying Fist Ranch
P.O. Box 706
Ceredo, WV. 25507
http://www.flyingfistranch.com

 


About The Author

Beau Smith

Beau Smith is a writer for Comics Bulletin