Everyone loves a comic creator feud! Bitching from columns, fans transmitting insults from one creator’s forum to another and occasional oaths never to work with someone ever again. But despite fan wishes, some creators, even the most embittered ones, never seem to want to start a fight. How we long for a Gary Groth vs Warren Ellis tangle, or a Joe Quesada-Dave Sim slanging match – but have so far been denied!

Fear not, for this week’s column gives you the start of a very special series of cards, with new additions every week! (Translation: it’s been a dead column this week and I could do with a running joke since the Paul Levitz one died away). Check back each day this week for printable versions of each of the cards.

The rules are simple. Each player has a set of cards, and in turn, each calls out a category before slamming their card down. The one with the highest number in that category wins all cards laid down. If there’s a draw, play again on top of the existing cards. The winner is the whoever has all the cards and gets to keep them while you run home and tell your mummy.

Your values are Strength within the industry, Personal ego, Special attacking move and Stamina – how long they can keep on going…

BILL JEMAS

STRENGTH: 6 (He may be President, but no one takes him seriously)
EGO: 6 (8 is double-teamed with Quesada)
SPECIAL MOVE: Non-Sequitors Rays. Make people stand stunned going “what?” – 8
STAMINA: 4

Bill Jemas is not as much a fool as you think he is. Hell, he can’t be.

WARREN ELLIS

STRENGTH: 8 (6 after three Southern Comfort And Cokes)
EGO: 8 (9 after three Southern Comfort And Cokes)
SPECIAL MOVE: Belly Flop – 7
STAMINA: 6

Warren Ellis used to be thin and hairless. That was before he started growing small Yorkshire terriers underneath his skin for profit.

JOHN BYRNE

STRENGTH: 4 (5 if he’s channelling Jack Kirby)
EGO: 10
SPECIAL MOVE: Quantum-Psychology – holding two contradictory beliefs simultaneously – 6
STAMINA: 9 – Will always argue the toss.

John Byrne was unfortunate enough to see xxx before he started on Wonder Woman. This explains everything that has happened since.

ALAN MOORE

STRENGTH: 8 – Artists would pay the publisher to draw his work.
EGO: 6 (But only 4 if anyone’s watching)
SPECIAL MOVE: Sawing A Woman In Half (what – he’s not that kind of magician?)
STAMINA: 2

If Alan Moore does return to Marvel, it’s likely he’ll write Fantastic Four.

BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS

STRENGTH: 4
EGO: 5
SPECIAL MOVE: Jive Talking – 2
STAMINA: 7 (no caps key required!)

Brian Michael Bendis once won Cheeseplant Breeder Of The Year 1997. It’s not something he’s proud of, more’s the pity.

PETER DAVID

STRENGTH: 3
EGO: 7
SPECIAL MOVE: Ability to recite the script from The Little Mermaid from his mind – 3
STAMINA: 10 (He always digresses…)

Peter David loves the smell of fresh turnip. He’s been known to climb through 78 stacked piles of the TV Guide for a remnant.

GARY GROTH

STRENGTH: 2
EGO: 9
SPECIAL MOVE: A gun – 6
STAMINA: 9 (Fifteen years after an event, he’ll find a way to bring it up…)

Gary Groth likes guns but doesn’t understand cricket. Maybe if he combined the two?

DAVE SIM

STRENGTH: 3
EGO: 8
SPECIAL MOVE: Loyalty marketing. Cerebus zombies walk the land – 6
STAMINA: 9

Dave Sim and Diana Schutz were a couple. She being a woman, a feminist and an editor. Boy, that was going to work…

TODD MCFARLANE

STRENGTH: 6
EGO: 8
SPECIAL MOVE: Unleashing avalanches of unsold Little Nicky toys – 5
STAMINA: 5

Todd McFarlane once spoke out against companies that wouldn’t comment an accusations, companies reneging on deals and not respecting creative talent.

GRANT MORRISON

STRENGTH: 5
EGO: 6 (After a good sigil-wank)
SPECIAL MOVE: Rabbit Out Of The Hat (what – he’s not that kind of magician either?) – 5
STAMINA: 4

Grant Morrison should never wear a white suit.

ALEX ROSS

STRENGTH: 4 (I mean, if he’d do more than covers…)
EGO: 10
SPECIAL MOVE: Defending Jack Kirby with every breath – 5
STAMINA: 3

Alex Ross uses models to draw from but secretly he mocks them with a secret snigger while painting.


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