In my last column I said I’d be gone for two weeks. But lucky for you, I just couldn’t stay the hell away like I was supposed to. I managed to work up some things for ATR before going home to New York on Wednesday. Right now I’m probably playing cards with my parents or throwing back hearty pints with some old friends who I don’t see nearly enough.

A night at the bar with the boys typically goes something like this:

Jamie: F@#%ing Guinness!! F@#%ing Jameson!!

Brian: F@#%ing Jameson!! F@#%ing Guinness!!

Erik: Burrrp! (suddenly tosses potted plant against wall)

Chedy: I can’t eat anything in this God forsaken establishment. I’m vegan, damn you! Veeegan!!!!! (picks up plant and gently strokes leaves)

Markisan: Beer making me nappy.. must stay awake.. not tough if nappy.. (passes out with pizza crust in mouth)

Jamie: F@#%ing Jameson!! F@#%ing Guinness!!

Brian: F@#%ing Guinness!! F@#%ing Jameson!!

 

Jamie, Brian, Chedy and Erik ripped to hell.
A replay of the evening can most likely be witnessed at Knuckles Sports Bar, located in the luxurious Hyatt Regency Hotel, this August during Wizard World Chicago. And now, your regularly scheduled rumor injection. Please roll up your sleeves.

But, damn! You gotta check this out first – today’s Daily Special at Dynamic Forces: ROBO VERSUS THUNDER! You get Robotech #1 signed and remarked by Long Vo, Robotech #0 signed by Jay Faerber, Robotech #1 signed by Long Vo, Thundercats: The Return #1 signed by Ford Lyttle Gilmore, and Thundercats: The Return Alternate Cover signed by John Cassaday. Not only do DF supply you with the coolest collectibles in the western spiral arm of the galaxy, they sponsor this very column, down to the last comma, period, and exclamation point!


Kevin Smith Strikes Back

My contacts tell me that Marvel has a big September event planned and that it may be the launch of Kevin Smith’s new Spider-Man book. A source claims that contrary to public statements, Smith has actually supplied a number of new scripts for his outstanding work, and these are being feverishly worked on to guarantee monthly shipping. I’m told that one of the long delayed Spider-Man and the Black Cat: The Evil That Men Do was halted because Smith’s original script features the rape of the Black Cat. That script is now being reworked after the sexual violation was deemed inappropriate for a Spider title.

I’m also hearing that Kevin’s two-year exclusive contract with Marvel is, in fact, for 24 issues of Spider-Man no matter how long he takes to deliver, and not for two chronological years.

So, according to my calculations, when you take the rate at which Smith writes comic scripts and multiply that by the average number of films he’s likely to direct in the next couple years, then add a median number of days to compensate for his complete lack of time management skills and subtract page count totals to allow for convention appearances and snacks — he should be contracted to Marvel for oh, 20 more years.

This Has A “Hurry Up, Tubby Bitch! Snoogins!!” Factor of Six Out of Ten


About to Explode

Lately Warren Ellis (Tokyo Storm Warning, Orbiter) has been driving himself crazy with thoughts of writing an ongoing series again. In his recent listserve email, Bad Signal, Ellis says he has two new ideas that he’s trying to forget.

“One of them is a huge sf thing that actually soaks up three or four other ideas I’ve had floating in the ether, which is almost annoying in and of itself. The effect of the thing is like smashing THE AUTHORITY and PLANETARY together, but goes further than just recapitulating old work. It does, however, have the explodo.”

Ellis explains that in the 80s, the UK version of Saturday Night Live featured two recurring characters called The Dangerous Brothers. Played by Rik Mayall and Ade
Edmondson, The DBs were “stuntmen whose act consisted almost entirely of Richard
Dangerous finding new ways to blow up Sir Adrian Dangerous.” During such events, one of the brothers would always shout, “Explodo!”

“Some things just need the explodo,” Ellis adds. “So if you catch me talking about things called 99 and DESOLATION JONES, you know I’ve cracked.”

This Has A “Wired For Detonation” Factor of Nine Out of Ten


You Know I Can Get Nasty With You

Kickass artist Chris Weston (The Filth) emailed me last week after seeing his last name and “ho” side by side in the preview section of the Dreaded Skip Week Event column. He wanted to prepare for what was coming. Since I didn’t write the preview (my boss did) I explained that I was unaware of any actual hoing on his part. But I did hear that he was turning some tricks for DC.

    Indeed, I am currently putting together two pitches with two very different writers: One for DCU, which I hope to do first, and then I wanna do my Masterwork, a project for Vertigo. Strangely enough, both projects are thematically linked, but different in their approach: one humorous, one nasty. That’s all I’m letting on as yet. Both are bound to be rejected and I’ll end up doing fill-ins again, but there you go!

I also asked Mr. Weston about Ministry of Space #3 since that book has been MIA for about two years.

      It’s the very next thing I draw after

The Filth

    . Promise! And that’ll give me a bit more time to get the pitches started up ’til they’re irresistible!


Page from the long-awaited Ministry of Space #3 (http://www.warrenellis.com/mos.html).
This Has An “Application For Third Filthy Assistant” Factor of Seven Out of Ten


Old Enough to Die

You may have heard some rumors about unstable fans that approach creators. These days the psychosis is often delivered via email or through the message boards. Well, Rex Mundi artist Eric J recently received his first psycho fan letter. Since the ass who wrote it failed to identify himself or herself, Eric decided to send a response via the Rex Mundi News email list, hoping that it might reach said ass. Here’s the original, unedited letter to Eric. Lots of cussing, so if you’re easily offended by bad language, consider this a warning.

      Hey Eric J,

 

    My name is not important. Right now, the issue is YOUR “good name.” I’ve been, or should I say WAS, a long time fan of yours. I’ve been following you throughout since the inception of your online ventures. I read your emails religiously. I’ve allways had great admiration for your artisanship, and I allways made a point to visit your booth at the Comic Cons. Fuck man, I fucking looked up to you. I wanted to be just like you because I thought you were one of the few REAL people in this fucking phoney bolognie industry. I saw you as the vangard for an independant comic movement. A movement based on realness, truth, integredy, and honesty. How stupid I was. All that changed an hour ago when I was delving through your bio page. How old are you again? Oh that’s right your 28. Yeah fucking right!!! That’s total Bullshit and you know it Mr. Eric fucking J. I know for a fact you’re over 30. You told me that at the last comic con you fucking liar, or were you lying to me then. Why do you have to lie? I’ll bet that chick in your old Bio wasn’t even your real girlfriend. You’re just as fake as all the other bullshiters out there. In fact, yours is the worst of them all because you try so hard to play off the opposite: that your so real and honest. The only real and honest thing about you is that your a real honest lying peace of decomposing shit.

Fuck Off And Die,

An EX (and a half) Fan
PS: What’s your “J” really stand for: jackass or joke?

Eric responded by giving his real age of 31. He mentions that he’s talked about his age in numerous interviews and has no reason to hide it. He says that he has also spoken about his ex-girlfriend, Christy, on the boards. “If you were this true, long time fan, that had been following me throughout since the inception of my online ventures,” he says, “then I would have hoped that you would have read one of the interviews that I talked about those two things in.”

Eric adds that the bio page has not been updated due to time constraints. “Now I believe normal, rational people will look at that page, see the many things in it that give away that it’s old and will come to the conclusion that, since I told everyone that the website is not complete, I would be updating when I got time.”

“Even if you had questions, a simple, ‘Eric, you told me you were 30 at the con, is that bio old?’ would have been FAR more appropriate than the crap tirade you sent me,” Eric adds. “Anyway, there’s the answer to your “question” or the question I wished you’d asked. And don’t get me started about the pure cowardice of sending off a letter like that without identifying yourself.”

Eric says that he and Arvid Nelson, Rex Mundi’s writer, have gone to great lengths to be accessible to the readers, “but if this is the kind of crap we’re going to have to deal with, well, it’s just sad, I guess.”

No, Eric. The real sad part is that there are actually people out there who find the time to be overly concerned about the lives of comic book artists they don’t even know. And chances are they still live with their parents, at age 35, in basements decorated with Pokemon porn and soiled Agent Scully plush toys propped gently against their Next Generation pillows.

To learn more about the excellent new murder mystery series, Rex Mundi, visit http://www.shrunkenheadstudios.com/rexmundi/index2.html.

This Has A “Got Life?” Factor of Eight Out of Ten


Cross to Bear

I’ve been told that the fan fiction site http://www.cgfanfiction.net a has been getting some heat from CrossGen’s paralegal department over stories featuring the company’s characters.

When asked about the problems, site creator Paul Richardson had this to say:

    Oh yes, very true. I am very much a fan of CrossGen and all I want to do on my own time is write some fan fiction for no other reason than would a five-year-old draw a picture of Spider-Man, but in my case, I write stories. I can’t draw but I do know how to put words together and I just want to share my stories.

There was a story link off site when the site first open (which was what, three days ago?), but the writer of that story was scared into asking me to remove the link. I have not been able to go back to her site to see if she has removed it. I don’t know, I’m not charging anybody or making any money whatsoever for the stories. I even said on the site that CrossGen does not support the site, in any way.

I will not remove or shut down the site. They are my (and the other writers) stories, not CrossGen’s.

We look forward to a response from our friends in Tampa for next week.

This Has A “Cross Examination” Factor of Seven Out of Ten


Jock Knock

I’m told that Andy Diggle and Jock, collaborators on the new Vertigo series, The Losers are unhappy with Newsarama’s portrayal of them in the recent Wizard World East Vertigo panel recap which reads:

The Losers: Andy Diggle and Jock. Beyond the basic press already out, it was revealed that “Jock” is a term for a drinker, rather than an athlete as it is stateside. On the other side of the pond, though, it seems drinking is a sport, so they estimated Steve Dillon was the one who was nearly inhuman at drinking, Ennis as well in his own league, then Jock, then any Americans.

Personally, this quote perplexes me as well. Obviously whoever was on this panel hasn’t met my friends, Matt and Dan.

This Has A “American Drunken Masters” Factor of Five Out of Ten

That’s all I got after three days. Next week expect a fill-in column from Spoof Central, whose Interview with Alan Moore went up this week. The Spoofers say they have some stories to tell.

Out,
Markisan

PS If anyone has any rumors to share please send them to me at markisan@silverbulletcomicbooks.com or IM me via AOL Instant Messenger. My screen name is Automatic San. Thanks to everyone who has been sending stuff in. It’s appreciated.


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