Notes and papers found in the bins outside the offices of the CCA (Comics Code of Authority) revealed a number of incredible facts about this puritanical censor board.
Reasons for censure:
- We appreciate the need for having a graphic birth scene and the CCA has no problem with this, but can you ensure the baby is fully-clothed when born, please.
- We?d rather have underpants and a bulge than no underpants and no bulge.
- ?We have, as an organisation, no quarrels with a black, lesbian character, who is a heroin addicted single mother; our problem is the costume, the cleavage is too deep.
- The bedroom scene is fine, just so long as the rest of the Avengers are present.
- Penis Man has been rejected because of its degrading portrayal of the homeless.
- The CCA has no problem with the mass extinction of the Germans, but would request the scene where the hamster is shot by the rogue agent be edited.
- Howard the Duck has a dick? Gedouttahere!
- We feel that an AIDS storyline is appropriate, however could you change the lead character from an amoral homosexual into a haemophiliac?
- No reasons, we just don?t like Chuck Austen.
- It is the CCA?s recommendation that this comic book be taken out, as early as humanly possible, taken to a place not too far from here, be doused in petrol and set fire too. Once charred, the ashes should be placed in an urn, smuggled on board the next space shuttle flight and jettisoned into the sun. Failing that, Image is desperate for a controversy.
- We would request the felching scene between Betty, Veronica and Archie be toned down.
- While we can find nothing wrong with this comic book, as discerning fans we strongly urge you to fire Gerry Conway.
- We always thought he was a man!
Are You X-Perienced?
X-Men: The Last Stand could well be the last of the X-Men trilogy, but Marvel and their film buddies are undeterred and are planning a series of X-movie spin-offs featuring both known and unknown characters from the film franchise.
After Wolverine, will be Hank, a weekly comedy starring Kelsey Grammar as the lovable bouncing blue-furred Beast, living in his Seattle apartment with his father and a sprightly young mutant lassie from Manchester as his nurse.
Nightcrawler will get his own TV spin-off as well, with Alan Cummins playing the role with Kurt now working as a flight attendant for Bavarian Airways. It follows the hilarious adventures of him and his camp crew as they do the Munich to Palma route.
The Prime of Ms Jean Grey will star Famke Jansen as the eponymous mutant as she takes control of a Please Sir! type situation in this hilarious new comedy from Wim Wenders.
Charlie Xavier, Go Home is an animated adventure following the exploits of the young Charles Xavier, with his sidekick, Eric and a couple of horrid human kids called Lucy and Linus.
Angel is a weekly crime drama featuring Warren Worthington III as the roving detective who can only work at night for fear of people seeing his wings, also along for the ride is an psychic Irish sidekick, a former girlfriend turned receptionist who will fall out with the producers by series 3 and only have cameo roles from then on, a young Librarian woman called Barry who was trapped in a demonic dimension for years and a hip young black dude who will gradually become stereotyped throughout the show.
Colossus in Rhodes is a spoof mockumentary featuring Vinnie Jones as the Russian travelling around the Adriatic looking for Greek history and breaking things along the way.
And finally, next summer?s big blockbuster is sure to be Mutants on Ice book now for tickets at the NEC, June 11th.
No Quarter Taken
Over the years, there has been an awful lot of whistle blowing coming from disgruntled ex-employees of DC Comics, telling tales of being muzzled by Paul Levitz and being kept in the furnace room, chained and wearing nothing but a pair of Paul?s soiled Y fronts, on their heads. But I have just left one of the most important interviews with ex-employees ever. Martin Harmon, who was an intern at DC for seven months in 2005 has rocked comics with some of the revelations from inside the Warner controlled company.
?Joey Cavalieri was a member of the CIA. He would take calls from sleeper agents in Guatemala at least three times a day and several times I heard him sanction assassinations.? This was one of the less outlandish claims by Harman, 22, of Buckwheat, Arkansas. ?Levitz is without doubt the man who rules that world. I once went into his office and commented on the lifelike bust of Carmine Infantino and Levitz said to me, ?when was the last time you saw Carmine alive?? I later saw the bill from an illegal bronzing factory in Hoboken and realised what had happened.?
?Apparently, Jeanette Khan used to keep small land shrimp in her ashtrays.?
ELO: The Comic: The Correction
I am more than aware that DC Comics hates other people breaking news stories and will go to great lengths to prove us newshounds wrong, but this is ridiculous.
We reported last week that in January, Jim Lee and Joss Whedon would produce: Electric Light Orchestra: The Graphic Novel!
The 96-page super deluxe, leather-bound, hardback, ultra comic in 3D lenticular surround sound and retailing for $99.99, will feature the entire history of Jeff Lynne?s band from The Move to The Travelling Wilburys, but told as if Jeff, Bev, Mik, Kelley and the gang were superheroes and the record companies are villainous vampire-headed corporations.
DC?s Bob Wayne, no son of Carl, said, ?I wish you people would get your facts right. This is one of the reasons why we handle all the PR for DC rather than allowing schlubs like you to break important news on the net. Jesus, you f*ckers make my sh*t itch with your spurious stories and made up facts. Quite simply, it is not Electric Light Orchestra: The Graphic Novel! it is just simply ELO! It also retails for $98.99, not the ridiculous figure you quoted.?
Kurt Cobain was a comics fans. Dave Grohl learned this and threatened to tell the world about Kurt?s Millie the Model collection. Kurt eats 45. I don?t know if I just made this up or if it?s true, but it certainly seems feasible.
Heavy Sh1t, Man
The news that Marvel Comics has purchased the rights to publish the New Adventures of The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers was greeted by hoots of derision and members of the press exposing their naked bottoms in the direction of Joe Quesada, but the press were stunned into silence by the startling news that the first six-issue story-arc would pit the Brothers and the Cat against Galactus and that the comic would be written by Scott Lobdell and drawn by Mark Bagley.
Michael Doran, probably still smarting from losing his job at Marvel a few years back, said, ?What stupid c**t had that idea??
Brush Strokes III
?Hello, who am I speaking to, please??
?I understand you have been placing a number of crank telephone calls to my client, Mr Gerald Conway, of Obelisk Place, Frinton.?
?When you say crank calls, what exactly do you mean??
?You have been asking both Mr Conway and his wife questions about the death of a New York girl in 1974 and both of them have become rather distressed and wish you to stop making these calls or they will be forced to take a restraining order out on you.?
?Ha! You don?t even know who I am.?
?I?m sure it won?t be too difficult to find out, sir.?
?You?re name isn?t Norman Osborne is it??
?Well, it isn?t Captain George Stacy because Stan Lee killed him.?
?Have you considered professional help??
Marvel Announces Brand New Autumn/Winter Bonanza
After the news of the cancellation of this autumn?s big new comic book launches was announced last week, Marvel has taken the unprecedented move of reinstating every cancelled project.
Joe Quesada released this rather desperate statement on Friday: ?We give up.?
That?s a Knauf
Daniel Knauf and his brother Charles, well known for doing weird stuff on tv and recently writing Iron Man for Marvel are being dropped from the Marvel creative roster because people think their surname is so funny.
Extra Special Guests
This year?s San Diego Comics Convention is to be graced by the ashes of Frank McLaughlin, the one-time Batman inker retired from comics in the early 1980s and while no one is actually sure he is dead, someone saw his ashes on sale on Ebay, bought them and there you go, instant guest, just add water and bake for 20 minutes in a hot oven.
As promised, we?ll conclude this week with the much-vaunted and long promised new imprint from Image called Fish.
Fish is a new line of surreal comics, aimed at testing your mind and resolve and stretching the boundaries of comics and the metaphysical and existentialist limitations of the mind. However, if the first comic is anything to go by we might all feel slightly conned by the end of it.
Bunuel is a 6-parter by Robert Kirkman and Hayley Westenra, but from the plot synopsis and previews I?ve seen about the most surreal thing that happens in it is a cow walking into shot and brushing dandruff from a child?s shoulder.
More promising is I Am Dave Cooper by Carlos Pacheco and Ray Davies of the Kinks. The first issue is 24 pages of various flanges.
April sees the dual release of Tamsin Archer?s Udder (no information available) and Espen Minde, the story of the totally unknown Norwegian tree stripper and his political struggle with an elk. This marks the return to comics for Steve Ditko, who will draw, and co-plot with Candi Staton.
Beast Queens by Joe Casey, Dave Stevens and Yellowjacket, might conceivably fall into another category. The premise is simple; Bettie Page, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Dame Thora Hird, Lindsay Lohan, Doris Day, Edith Piaf and Helen Keller are abducted by aliens and forced into working for a Donald Trump styled Burger Lord. However, after an argument with a taxi driver over a bagel they all go to Devon for the narcotics and are attacked by bags of frozen peas.
Personally, I can?t understand why Yellowjacket would want to get involved in such a project.
Next week: We uncover Einstein?s Human Torch comic; dig deep into the archives for more tales of the fragrant; explain why Marvel has to use so many words on its covers now; and have the first reports from this year?s NerdCon, where the special guests are Bill Shatner and Pierre Trudeaux. Plus Marc Silvestri on why he?s frightened of Brighton Pier and other stuff.