Sweatin’ Bullets

It’s official. I’m tired of summer.

I can usually take summer for about two months then I’m ready for it to be over. By summer I mean real summer. The above 90 degrees, humid as hell, please don’t let the central air break summer.

Well, it’s been over 90 every day. It’s humid as hell and two weeks ago the central air here at the ranch busted and I had to have it totally replaced. Semi-lucky for me I was out of town when it happened and didn’t have to suffer through any of the misery known as sweat.

Sometimes ya dodge the bullet.

Beau Hates Summer. Summer Hates Beau Back

It made me remember why I didn’t accept Todd McFarlane’s job offer to come out there to Phoenix to live and work. Yeah, I know?it’s a dry heat. Screw that. I’ve been out there in the middle of the summer. The difference between dry heat and humidity is like the difference between livin’ in a blow dryer on high or livin’ in a swamp with a garbage bag as underwear.

They both suck like a cheap vacuum cleaner.

I’m a winter kinda guy. I figure I can always put on more clothes if I’m cold. In the summer you can never be naked enough to be cold. Manly, yes. Cold, no.

The Only Good Thing About Summer

I’m lookin’ forward to football season and cold fronts from Canada to blow into town. I wanna see those pine trees out front trimmed in snow. I wanna see white on that map that the babe on the Weather Channel is always pointin’ at. Most of all I don’t wanna hear that local goofball weatherman on our local station use the word “Sultry” to describe what the night air on my front porch is gonna feel like. The only thing in this world that is “Sultry” is the way Roselyn Sanchez looks at me in my dreams.

Ask any of my friends, I’m in a better mood when it’s not summer. Chuck Dixon and I have roomed together many times through the years while on the convention trail. He was always amazed how I restrained myself from killin’ folks during the summer run at Chicago or San Diego. My mood is most foul when the temps are above 85.

One summer my former boss, Todd McFarlane and I roomed together for a long haul on the McFarlane Toys Tour. (He’s the cheapest bastard I know next to Dwayne Turner) It was the only time I ever heard Todd whine. I keep the hotel room like a meat locker. Todd learned to wear sweats, socks and ask the hotel for extra blankets at night. I woke up one morning and saw him drawin’ Spawn on the iced up window with his finger.

At night here at the ranch I keep the central air set around 65 and always have the ceiling fan and a heavy-duty fan called The Air Master blowin’ on me in the bed at full throttle. I sleep better in blizzard conditions.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind workin’ up a sweat. But it’s gotta come from hard work, good sex, (even bad sex is good) or doin’ something manly. I don’t wanna sweat while I’m just sittin’ around or bein’ lazy. It just ain’t right.

So let it be known that I won’t shed any tears at the passin’ of summer. I will miss all the tan flesh that young ladies expose in the warm summer air. That’s a given. I’ll just have to be strong.

Here’s a manly rhyme that sums up my feelins’ on the summer months:

    No tears on my cheek as I feel another summer pass
    I warmly welcome winter by kickin’ summer in the ass.

Yeah I know?stick to writin’ comic books and leave the poetry to Neil Gaiman.

Plugs For Pals

Now and then I try and remind folks that there are other people doin’ comics besides the usual suspects that ya read about day in and day out on the comic book news sites and few print magazines that are still out there.

This week I’m gonna let ya in on three of my buddies that have some stuff out there that ya need to know about. I’m not gonna give a review on em’. I leave that for others. ‘Sides, I always give my buddies good reviews just by payin’ for their first beer.

G.I. Spy #1 by Andrew Cosby and Matt Haley. Boom Studios. http://www.boom-studios.com.

I’ve been supportin’ this book since my amigo, Matt Haley first showed me his art from it last year. This is high class story tellin’. Great manly action/adventure in the most manly sense of the word. G.I. Spy is full of witty and well written dialogue and the art is like a movie put to print? a good movie. The best part is that the bad guys are Nazis. I never get tired of seein’ Nazis getting’ an ass whuppin’. More comics should be like G.I. Spy. There’s no way you can go wrong with this book?trust me. Ya do trust me, don’t ya?

Raider: Dead Men’s Tales by Thom Zahler. Maerkle Press. http://www.maerklepress.com http://www.raidercomic.com. This is 125-pages of really good writing and pretty good art. Thom does it all. I hate guys that can do it all. Especially when their name ain’t my name. Thom is one of these writers that ya should know more about. I’m sorry to say due to the climate of comics, lazy editors and comic book politics, Thom’s talent as a writer and creator hasn’t hit enough pockets of mainstream to get the notice that he deserves. His art is solid and gets the job done, but his true talent lies within his story telling and the detail he gives to characters. Raider is a really good example of this. Thom is able to make up characters that are truly likeable. That’s a hard task. Most writers can’t do that. Check this book out. It is a good read and that’s just what ya oughta do with it?.read it! ‘Sides, I wrote the intro for it?that alone is worth the cover price.

Revisionary #1 by Paul Storrie with art by EricJ and Peter Guzman on ink assists. Moonstone Books. http://www.moonstonebooks.com. Paul Storrie you may know from his very fun comic at DC called Gotham Girls. It was a wonderful series that most of ya should’ve bought. If ya didn’t, go find it at your local comic shop and make em’ sell it to ya. While you’re there, tell em’ you want Revisionary #1 put on your pull list. This book will drag your ass in like a Russian hooker with free vodka. Paul gets to show ya that he can do a creepy, dark story that rivals anything some of the “Hot” writers are doin’. This is like a really good thriller film. The kind that has ya sweatin’ to find out just where it’s leadin’ ya. You are right there with the characters as they get hit with twists and turns in the story. Paul Storrie is a writer that can handle any kind of story, pardon the pun. I also suggest that when you’re at a con to seek Paul out to talk to him. Like Thom Zahler, he is one of the wittiest people you will ever wanna meet. He is fast on his feet and his sense of humor is as sharp as a razor.

Remember to check these books and these guys out. They ain’t Beau Smith, but they’ll do until ya sober up.

Like Nazis, The Nielsen Ratings Need An Ass Whuppin’

There aren’t a whole hell of a lot of TV shows that can hold my many interest. It seems that the ones that do are soon yanked off the screen as soon as those Nazi Nielsen folks find out I’m watchin’ em’. It didn’t take em’ long to find out I was watchin’ Keen Eddie and Eyes. They snuck those shows off when I went for another beer. I’ve checked my TV and cable for their insidious trackin’ devices many times. The bastards are smart. I can never find any. But I know they have me bugged some how.

There’s a new show on TNT that I really like. It’s called Wanted. It’s quick, brutal, mean and filled with testosterone and actors that I really like. Best part is it is the anti-Steven Bochco show. No touchy feely, liberal, tree squeezin’ sissy stuff. This is a mean show and is filled with very cool guns and action. This is what TV westerns and cop shows were like before everybody got all PC and started getting’ their crybaby fingernail polished mitts on everything. If Hollywood would start makin’ action movies like this and puttin’ em’ on the big screen then we wouldn’t have to put up with those terrible things they try and pass off as action movies. It’s got an excellent cast that heads up with Gary Cole at his very best.

It’s on Sunday nights at 10pm. Catch it now. It won’t be on long. They know I’m watchin’ it.

Last Call

It’s late. I’m tired and I’ve run out of beer. Time to close up The Flying Fist Ranch and send ya on your way. Keep printin’ out this column every week and leavin’ copies on the windshields of all the cars in the mall parkin’ lot. Get the word out. My word!

Just remember?there’s us and there’s them. Thing is?they don’t count.

Your amigo,

The Flying Fist Ranch
P.O. Box 706
Ceredo, WV. 25507

Prove your manhood by visiting Beau at the Flying Fists Forum!

About The Author

Beau Smith

Beau Smith is a writer for Comics Bulletin