What is a real man?
Whatever your answer to the above question was, I can say with real man honesty it sure wasn’t me last week.
It had to happen. Sooner or later my time would come? and it did. They got in.
They were pretty damn sneaky about it, I’ll give em’ that. Like that thing in Aliens they smuggled themselves into The Flying Fist Ranch in a host body. My wife’s. She unwittingly brought vile germs into the Beau-O-Sphere and contaminated my manly air.
I got sick.
I don’t like being sick. Sick loves me. It breaks down all my testosterone and makes me whine like Brian Bendis when they take word balloons away from him. It ruins my commanding bellow and turns it into a croaky frog like noise that no longer strikes fear into those that oppose me. Tissue paper companies stock goes up as I spend endless hours blowing ugly colored snot into them as I sit on the toilet begging God to end the pain and let me join John Wayne at the big commie ass whuppin’ in the sky.
I don’t shave, I don’t bathe and rarely brush my teeth when I’m sick. I know that sounds manly, but it ain’t. I just get that weak and apathetic. I cough so hard that my that my chest and stomach feel as though I was a hanging piece of meat that Rocky Balboa has beat on. I lose my sense of taste and beer no longer appeals to me. I beg my wife to jab out my eyes because I don’t want to see how far I have fallen in the mirror. She refuses. I don’t know if I was hallucinating or not, but at one point I swear I saw her rummaging through my boxer shorts drawer looking for my wallet.
At first the dogs are all at my side making sure I’m okay. Then after a day they start to smell sickness. They know I’m weak. It’s at that point I can see that they are figuring out how to thin me from the herd. It’s only a matter of time.
My boys are no better. They stop by the house to visit. They see my plight and real quick they start wiping their fingerprints off of everything they’ve touched. I hear them in my den fighting over my DVD and CD collection. I pray I remembered to lock up the gun room.
In desperation I call my mom for some sympathy. Surely she’ll bring me some soup or place a warm wash cloth over my forehead and tell me it’s all gonna be okay. After all, I spent the whole summer and fall in her ICU room making sure she was ok. She hears the disease in my voice and quickly reminds me that she has two other sons and a daughter that call her everyday and agree with everything she says? unlike me. I then hear her faking static on the phone and something about bad cell phone reception. Then? the line is dead. It takes me a second or two and then I realize? MY MOM DOESN’T HAVE A CELL PHONE!
I’m up most of the night at the mercy of infomercials and Will & Grace reruns. The day time isn’t much better. Soap operas and Law and Order on every channel. I crawl to get a DVD and find that the boys did take the whole collection. I have nothing.
Too weak to surf the web so I lay in my cocoon of pain that once was my bed. My neighbor cranks up his snow blower and I swear points it at my window. I cover my head with my pillow and finally doze off . It’s not long before I am suddenly awakened by an increasing feeling of pressure as the pillow is pushed harder and harder into my face.
I struggle and manage to free myself from its smothering embrace only to find my wife on the other side of it with a twisted grin on her face.
“OH, sorry, Beau. I was just? fluffing up your pillow for you.” She said with a unconvincing tone of sweetness.
I felt like Jack Bauer in the clutches of terrorists. All that was missing was the repeating question? “Where is the chip, Jack? Where is the chip?”
As I cough my guts out I figure I better dog crawl to the medicine cabinet and find that vile liquid that still makes me wretch after all these years? cough syrup.
Every time I twist off the cap to that nasty nectar I become a five year old with watery eyes making gulping noises like a troubled cartoon character. My hand shakes as I try to steady myself enough to pour the oozing concoction into the spoon. I’m semi-afraid that if I spill some of it on the sink it’ll eat away the stainless steel.
I held my breath and down the poured poison into my mouth and down my throat. It’s like I’m chugging a mixture of Drano and motor oil. The rest of the ranch can hear my stream of obscenities from one end to the other. My wife swears I am channeling Darrin McGavin from A Christmas Story.
After that bone shaking experience I am back in bed to bury myself in the blankets. Once I catch my breath I begin my mantra of “I’m dying? I’m dying!” This is usually when my wife tells me that she forgot to get something at Wal-Mart. How convenient, they’re open 24 hours a day. She always seems to have an escape route when I start my “I’m Dying” chant. I know that she won’t be around for a few hours ?or days.
As I lay there in supreme agony I wonder what John Wayne, Chuck Dixon, or Joe Quesada would be doing if it were them in this terrible condition. Well, John Wayne would be drinking lots of tequila and feeling no pain. Chuck would be ignoring the misery and blaming any symptoms on Ben Affleck’s very existence in this world. As for Joe, well, Joe would still have the cold and still not be giving me work. I opt to chug a bunch of NyQuil and let it knock me where no man has ever succeeded? out like a light.
Needless to say when I get a killer cold or flu no work is done. No writing, no nothing. I can’t function. If it were a busted up leg or arm or even a knife wound life would go on without must of a problem, but if I get a cold?that’s all she wrote. Beau Smith becomes the biggest crybaby the world has ever seen. I can remember in the middle of the night when I was babbling about not being able to get back to sleep, my wife jabbing the heel of her foot into my back and hissing, “Shut up you big sissy!”
Ahhh, yes? Beau Smith-Real Man.
Easter Egg In Cobb #1 Found!
There was an “Easter Egg” hidden in Cobb #1 that regular Knucklehead Sean Crymble already discovered. When Sean saw the cover to Cobb that you see here he emailed me to tell me that he found the egg.
What egg is that you ask? As most of you know, I am a long time fan of the great manly cartoon JONNY QUEST. Well, Sean was able to pick up on the the blond hair, the black shirt , the jeans and full grown manly sense of adventure that Cobb displayed on the cover. All it took was a mental image of Jonny Quest all grown up and Sean tossed the cat out of the bag.
Great eye, Sean. You figured out my homage to Jonny Quest. Where were the rest of ya?
Busted Knuckles Babe Of The Week
This week with the Busted Knuckles Babe Of The Week we go retro to one of my childhood dream girls that helped me through puberty in a real nice way. Julie Adams was the female lead of one of the greatest monster movies of all time CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. That movie was released in 1954. I defy anyone to find a hotter movie babe from then.
Nobody filled out a bathing suit or a pair of short-shorts like Juile Adams. Even in 1954 she had a timeless look that still stands up today and beyond. Julie was 28 years old when that movie was made and she captured all the smarts, curves and girl next door looks that every red blooded American male could ever dream of.
If you’ve never seen CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON I suggest you rent or buy it today. It’s a great film with amazing effects and action?plus Julie Adams. See now before Hollywood continues it’s evil ways and remakes it starring that human stick Nicole Kidman.
Busted Knuckles Manly Comic Book Cover Of The Week
All Winners #8
Chuck Dixon keeps whining like a 250 lbs school girl that I take every week to beat on the poor WWII Japanese with my manly covers. Okay, just to keep Chuck from crying all over his website I’m not gonna smash any Japanese soldiers or even any Korean soldiers this week.
I’m gonna bust up Nazis!
And who better to do it with than the super heroes of Marvel Comics back when they were manly enough to take on the enemies of the United States without having to worry about making anyone mad. Let’s see, we’ve got my boy the Sub-Mariner blasting Nazis with a thompson machine gun, The Human Torch and Toro are acting as human flame throwers and dishing out all kinds of burns, Bucky drives with out a license while Captain America plans to drop a bomb the manly way? by hand!
Look at this cover and learn how heroes should act during a time of war.
God Bless Old School Marvel!
Danielle Burgio 24/7
Here’s a news item for all you Knuckleheads that follow the paths of all Busted Knuckles Babes Of The Week. Actress and stuntwoman, Danielle Burgio made her debut on the hit Fox TV show 24 Monday night 2/27 in her role as “Carrie”, one of the CTU computer workers. Looks like she’ll be on a few episodes as of right now. Maybe if we’re all lucky she get hooked on as a regular and see some butt kicking action. We all know she can dish it out. You might wanna check out her latest DVD called BACKLASH. She does a great job and it’s full of all the action you could ever ask for. Danielle has a very nice website at http://www.danielleburgio.com. Check it and her out.
Go Home. I’ve Had A Cold. I’m Tired.
That about does it for this week, amigos. I hope you found something that entertained ya or informed ya. That’s what I’m here for.
I appreciate all the emails and regular letters that y’all send as well as the posts on the message boards. Keep em’ coming.
The “Rough As A Cobb” Tour is in full throttle. Get your local retailer to order it so I won’t have to get a regular job. Stay tuned here and my website for more info and art on Cobb: Off The Leash.
Thank you , amigos. I truly appreciate you backin’ me up.
The Flying Fist Ranch
P.O. Box 706
Ceredo, WV. 25507
Prove your manhood by visiting Beau at the Flying Fists Forum!