By Beau Smith

Last week I was sittin’ havin’ a manly lunch like I do every day. I was readin’ through USA Today. It seems that they delivered it to my house by mistake. So, yeah, I was readin’ somebody else’s paper for free. That’s a lesson to all of ya. Throw it on my porch and it’s mine.

Anyway, there was some article where they were talkin’ about the actor Liam Neeson. It was the usual fluffy stuff that entertainment rags always cover. They were talkin’ about all the roles he has played and the mentioned that he was in parts of this new Star Wars movie as well as Batman Begins. All fine and dandy until they crossed the unmaly line and said that Neeson is now too old to play the main hero in a movie. This because is is like 50 years old or around there.

They went on to mention a couple of other actors that are around the 50-year mark, Bruce Willis, Kevin Costner and a few others. Ya see? This is the kinda stuff that makes me wanna resume the career that I had before it was politically incorrect to flatten the nose of a smart ass that crossed the line.

Hollywood has become a kiddie pool. No one is man enough to step into the deep end anymore. They wonder why that movie with Colin Farrel as Alexander The Great bombed. They lose sleep because pretty boy Brad Pitt didn’t send that Troy movie through the sales roof.

Maybe they should’ve tried puttin’ a man in that role instead of a boy. Now we’ve got elf-boy Orlando Bloom in the lead role of another sword swingin’ story of what should have a real man in the title role. These guys would look more appropriate in the role of prom queen in a Lindsay Lohan movie.

I’m tired of it. When I was growin’ up there were men on the silver screen that were? well? men. Lee Marvin, Charles Bronson, John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, Sean Connery, Steve McQueen, James Coburn to just name a few. Stop and think of any of those guys in an action movie. Think of them comin’ at ya lookin’ pissed off. I don’t think you’re gonna get the same “I just soiled my pants” feelin’ that ya’d get if it were Tom Cruise glarin’ at ya instead of Robert Mitchum. That’s even countin’ Cruise standin’ on a chair so he could look ya in the eye.

That’s why I get a little mad when they say that Neeson, Willis and other actors over 40 are too old to be the hero. If I were a bad guy I’d be a little more intimadated if there was some craggy faced guy of 50 standin’ there pointing a gun at me than I would if there was pre-puberty pretty boy like Matt Damon.

Experience is a very scary weapon. Take that experience and put in the form of actor Sam Elliott and you’ve got a movie hero. Kids today don’t have any real men in movies to look up to. They keep gettin’ all these pansies wearin’ penny loafers shoved into their faces. Forget the hair gell heroes and go with one whose hair is as thin as his tolerance for evil. Hollywood should quit thinkin’ that every hero has to have a 22 year old babe as his love interest as well. There are tons of actresses out there over 40 that look great and can act toe to toe with the few real men left in movies.

I was flippin’ through the channels the other and some lame ass entertainment show was on talkin’ about how the time for actors like Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell as leading men was coming to a close because they are 50 or over. Yeah? right? make way for Ashton Kutcher. Just cut my balls off now and shove me in the dirt.

The marketing morons in Hollywood always try and defend themselves by sayin’ that it’s the 18 to 35 demo that’s spendin’ the money and goin’ to the movies. Maybe that’s because they keep makin’ these tiddley-wink movies no true real man wants to see. Yeah, Ben Affleck at Pearl Harbor is just how I always saw it.

The Sam Peckinpah movie The Wild Bunch is one of my all time favorite movies. It’s a great western and a movie that speaks of true manly things like honor and loyalty, even from a bad guy’s point of view. Can you imagine if they tried to make that movie today with the cast it had? There is no way those pimple poppin’ Hollywood cupcakes would let William Holden, Ernest Borgnine, Ben Johnson, Robert Ryan, and Warren Oates be in the movie. Nope. They’d try and stick us with the cast from Ocean’s Eleven (the modern, bad one.) complete with Julia Roberts. I can see them sayin’ that George Clooney would be perfect in the William Holden role because he has some gray in his hair. Holden’s famous line, “If they move? .kill em'” would be turned into something PC like “If the move…restrain them , but don’t infringe on their rights.”

The sound you hear right now is me throwin’ up? and I’m not even drunk.

If you wanna save the last little bit of testosterone that Hollywood hasn’t squeezed out of ya yet then I suggest ya grab my Beau Smith Top 20 Manly Movies Of All Time List shove em’ in an I.V. and pump em’ into your system until you feel like bein’ proud of the hair on your chest again.

Here they are. Read em’ and let the Nancy-Boy’s weep:

  1. Tombstone (1993)
  2. Wind and the Lion, The (1975)
  3. Thing From Another World, The (1951)
  4. Wake of the Red Witch (1948)
  5. Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)
  6. Shootist, The (1976)
  7. Appointment with Danger (1951)
  8. Warriors, The (1979)
  9. The Searchers (1956)
  10. Tom Horn (1980)
  11. Immortals, The (1995)
  12. Wild Bunch, The (1969)
  13. Professionals, The (1966)
  14. Point Blank (1967)
  15. Big Jake (1971)
  16. Wild Times (1980)
  17. Used Cars (1980)
  18. Sacketts, The (1979)
  19. Hatari! (1962)
  20. Hard Times (1975)

Can the comic book industry be far behind in this castration of real men? Comics really seem to be horny to be Hollywood’s cell bitch as of late. Kinda hard to name a truly manly super-hero at Marvel and DC. Don’t even try to mention Superman, Batman, or The Punisher. Not a real man among em’. Lord knows the indy publishers are still filled with worn out Tarantino/John Woo wannabe reruns.

Have times changed and left me behind? If so then you’ll see me kickin’ it in the ass to hurry it on it’s merry little way.

I still believe that there are folks out there that want strong men and women in movies and not just goofy kids who can’t find their car keys without a GPS. I still blame those nit-wits that said James Dean and Marlon Brando were manly actors. Scene chewin’ crybabies were never good role models. People think they’re cool because some sissy New York writer told em’ they were.

Angst is a cuss word in a real man’s dictionary.

Recently in DC Comics Identity Crisis there were folks whining about some of the JLA members messin’ with the mind of bad guy/rapist Dr. Light. They said that it was against what a real hero would do. Well…they’re half right. A real hero would’ve messed with his mind and then scrambled his eggs for good.

The world seems to be havin’ a little trouble makin’ the word “No” come out of their mouth.

What’s next from Hollywood? Leonardo DiCaprio playing Dirty Harry in the remake? Don’t laugh. They just may try it.

So don’t let me hear about you cryin’ about your 30th, 40th or 50th birthday. Embrace your experience.

Life is written in ink. There ain’t no eraser.

Your amigo,

Beau Ranch
The Flying Fist Ranch
P.O. Box 706
Ceredo, WV. 25507

Prove your manhood by visiting Beau at the Flying Fists Forum!

About The Author

Beau Smith

Beau Smith is a writer for Comics Bulletin