Top 10 Comic Book MoustachesA column article, Top Ten by: Danny Djeljosevic & Nick Hanover
Contrary to popular belief, the moustache is not strictly the domain of the Burt Reynolds and Tom Sellecks of the world. Sure those guys hog the spotlight, but comicdom has its fair share of seductive, badass and occasionally questionable facial hair. So sit back, pour yourself some scotch, imagine this read in the manly voice of Ron Burgundy and enjoy our Top 10 Comic Book Moustaches!
Dishonorable Mention: Red Hulk
Danny: Over the years, I've come to accept the Red Hulk -- or "Rulk" if you're, y'know, so inclined. He's gone from a nonsensical mystery nobody really cared about to the dickish, loose-cannon version of the Hulk. Because the Hulk wasn't loose cannon enough. Anyway, Red Hulk gets a Dishonorable mention due to his alter ego:
A man with a glorious moustache transforms into a hulking beast without a moustache. This not only makes no sense, but is a suicidally depressing missed opportunity, as we could have had a Hulk with a moustache. Sigh.
10. Thomas Wayne/Jim Gordon
Danny: Separated at birth?
Nick: Corsair is like the Errol Flynn of the Marvel cosmos and he has the luxurious moustache to match. Sure he's packing laser pistols and that popped collar ensemble instead of a pirate sword and some swashbuckling outfit. But make no mistake, he's probably got ladies wenches all across the galaxy.
8. Angar The Screamer
Nick: Angar is any number of subcultures clashing. He's got the flowery vest and long hair of a hippie, the skull medallion and golden wristbands of some kind of blaxploitation fanatic and fleshtone leather pants and frilly boots of that Native American guy from the Village People. All that clashes with that hyper manly Tom Selleck 'stache he's got going on, doesn't it?
7. The Leader
Nick: You have to feel for the Leader. With that massive brain of his cramping his style, he had to do something to distract anyone looking at him. And I get the feeling the guy probably can't grow much facial hair anyway, which is why he's gone with this feathery fu manchu and goatee combo. At least it's a step up from this pedo 'stache he was rocking before, complete with spiked drink:
Danny: Hey, it's the purple palette-swapped version of The Leader! But seriously: if his name weren't Sinestro, that Snidely Whiplash moustache screams "I'm gonna tie some girl to train tracks." Sinestro don't need to be played by Josh Charles to hint that he might betray the team.
5. Green Arrow
Danny: The key to Robin Hood is his mustache-goatee combo. I suppose that's the key to Green Arrow, too. After all, when was the last time you saw Connor Hawke in comics?
Either way, that shit better not be a Van Dyke.
4. Drunk Tony Stark
Nick: Sober Tony Stark is all about style and poise, even when he's being a bit of an ass. But when you run into Tony at the bottom of the bottle, you've got more than just a Iron Man suit reeking of Everclear and Jäger to deal with-- you've got a Tony with a less than dapper moustache. That shit is straight up hideous, Tones.
Danny: The Mandarin, um, wears a Fu Manchu. I don't know what else to say about that.
Nick: It's okay, Danny, Marvel is currently at work on a non-racist version. I managed to get my hands on a leaked character design:
2. Batroc the Leaper
Danny: Yo man, that mustache is so hipster. I think I saw this guy at the bar looking for Panda Bear on the jukebox while sipping on a really obscure stout. Or maybe he took my order for a barbecue tempeh pizza with the scowl of someone fully aware that his job is beneath him. Or maybe he's just some dude whose record collection I'm jealous of.
1. Turner D. Century
Danny: I'm pretty sure Jeff Parker created Turner D. Century and used a time machine to write him into Spider-Woman #33. I love everything about this guy.
Nick: Not only does Turner D. Century rock a moustache Salvador Dali would have killed to possess, he also flies around town with a shorty in tow on his pimpin' flying bike:
Sure, the shorty in question is a mannequin, but whatevs. The only thing that could make Turner D. Century better is if his crime sprees were based on striking down everyone without a moustache as fine as his. Oh, what's that? His crime sprees were sort of based around that? HOT DAMN.