Distinguish the Crazy, Distance Yourself and Maybe Custom Order an Octopus

A column article by: Alison Stevenson

Dear Alison,

Boy oh boy, do I have ex troubles! When we started out, I thought we were perfect for each other. He was my Pygmalion -- he helped me develop my talents, made me the woman I am, and even helped me get a job! It took a while for me to win him over, but eventually I netted him. We were the bee to each other's flower. Sure, we bickered, but all that heat translated to some high quality smanging. But as soon as we started working together, things really hit the fan.

I knew it was going seriously wrong when he started doing some "experimenting" and basically lost his mind! He became verbally and physically abusive, to me and to our coworkers. He said all kinds of things about chemicals and identity disorders, but I knew better than to stay with someone who treated me like an insect. So I left him.

Well long story short, he's apparently "recovered" and lately he's been buzzing around saying he wants to be "friends." And I have to admit, as much as I know I deserve better, I'm like a moth to the flame with this guy! So my question is, do I take him -- and our friends' -- word that he's gotten better and that he's ready to be a friend to me? I mean I'm not as young as I was, maybe it's time to start building that nest... Or do I quit the job I love, ditch our super friends, and start a new life far away from him, maybe on the West Coast?

Help! I need your advice! This whole situation is driving me positively buggy.
Signed,
A Very Edgy, Nervous Girl, Enduring Real Shit!


 

Hey Edgy, Nervous Girl...

I hate bugs. Seriously, the worst. Especially wasps, and ants but even ladybugs and butterflies. Fucking butterflies, think they're all hot or whatever cause they got colorful wings. Shit's lame. Wings are for birds and Red Bull commercials, asshats! So what I am trying to say is that I am going to be extremely biased in my evaluation of you and your bugman. 

When a woman's got a boyfriend that's "experimenting," it almost never turns out well for the girlfriend. Four of my ex-boyfriends discovered through experimentation that they were actually gay, which is cool for them but I was pretty heart broken for like close to three hours each time.   

Science experimenting, that's totally different. I never hung out with science guys (they're so lame). Once, I thought I went on a date with a scientist but turns out he was a Scientologist, or in other words, a closet gay. 

So your guy, he went crazy due to these experiments...was it like Hannibal Lecter crazy (hot) or like Gary Busey crazy (not hot)? Distinguishing the crazy is important. I mean don't get me wrong, you totally did the right thing in leaving him. Being abusive in any way is a big no-no but if his craziness was kind of hot then I totally see where you're coming from on that attraction still being there, especially if he claims to be recovered. 

I say, hold off on getting back with this bugaboo until you are absolutely sure you have no other options left. Love is all about settling and compromise. The older you get the easier it is to find love in this sense. Don't leave everything you have cause of him. You obviously like what you're doing and moving to the west coast will be filled with disappointment, smog, and vegan ice cream that gives you bad gas. 


 

Dear Alison,

Ever since losing my humanity and turning into a horrific swamp creature, I have been having the worst relationship luck! For instance, the other day, I met the most wonderful girl: smart, pretty, funny, and down to "earth" (LOL!). We seemed to be hitting it off; everything was going so well! So, I ripped off part of my flesh and offered her an hallucinogenic tuber that contained part of my genetic memories. Next thing I know, she's totally out of my life! What gives?

Yours truly,

Down in the Swamps


 

Swampy, 

Talk about taking things too fast. It's one thing to be committed, but to offer her your genetic memories? That's a major faux pas in the beginning of a relationship. Doesn't matter how "into" you someone is, making a move that big so quickly sends a red flag. I was really into this guy once who was clearly really into me (but who isn't, right?) and on our fourth date he started talking about how he already wanted us to have a threesome. I was all like, woah buddy – let's at least wait until we're a few months into this before we go introducing another guy into our sex life! Weird part is, he stopped talking to me after that but that's OKAY because I was immediately over it anyways. See what I mean? Also, you double  messed up by making it hallucinogenic. Way to give a girl a bad trip. 

I know you meant well, and it's hard for gross dirty creatures like you to find love so when you do you're all excited and impatient and so eager to trip on acid and share your life with her, but play it cool. The hottest guys are always the ones that act like they don't give a rat's ass about their girlfriend. I'm still in love with my eighth grade boyfriend because not only did he look like the lead singer of Sum 41 (hottt) but also he never gave me the time of day.  Sometimes he would pretend to not even know who I was, which made me even more crazy about him! He even had the school principal intervene and forced me to change schools. What a player! He knew just how to get me going. 

I say, distance yourself from this lady and maybe try giving it another go a few months down the road. Just be all like, "hey let's hang out" but don't say anything else. Don't apologize, don't beg her to take you back. In fact, when you guys do hang out, make sure the only things you say are "sup?" and "oh that's cool". You can maybe add a "whatever" in there for good measure. After that, just sit back and wait for her to grovel at your muddy feet. 


 

Alison,

I am 16-year-old girl live in Japan. High school attacked by kuraken on weekly basis. Sticky tendrils everywhere. Bloomers stolen.

How to avoid? Why tendrils love bloomers?

Having Extreme Nightmare Trouble, Associated with Ink


 

Damn girl. This sounds like some freaky-ass shit. Bloomer theft is very serious. Can you report any of this to the authorities? Change high schools maybe? If none of this is feasible then the only other sensible advice I can give is for you to custom order a giant octopus to protect your from this Kuraken and also from creepy tendrils. Best part is, an octopus can give you some sweet sweet loving on the side/can't get you pregnant.

 


 

 

Alison Stevenson is a stand-up comic and writer living in Oakland, CA. She performs all over the bay area. She is also the creator of a soon to be released zine titled Neuropuddy. You can see clips of her performing, read other articles she's written, or contact her for some reason by visiting her website, nodancing.tumblr.com

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