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Jesus Hates Zombies, Lincoln Hates Werewolves

Posted: Saturday, August 9, 2008
By: Austin Wilson

Stephen Lindsay
Steve Cobb
Alterna Comics
Jesus hates zombies. If someone sat down and tried to prove that statement using all the evidence available, I’d put some money on everyone deciding that yep, Jesus hates zombies. They’re reanimated corpses, abominations, and their entire existence rails against rational thought. Oh, yeah, and then there’s the whole “when Hell is full…” thing, so basically they are a direct representation of Hell spilling out into the world.

Which is the basic premise of almost all zombie stories, including Jesus Hates Zombies. The world is battling the zombie pandemic, and losing. In this case that means good ol’ J.C. is sent down from his perch in heaven to defend the world against the flesh-eaters, handing out his unique brand of justice.

That right there would’ve been enough to grab me. Jesus fighting zombies sounds goofy, over the top, and completely irrational enough to be fun. This is a unique experience though, because you get another story weaved in with the tale of Jesus. Abraham Lincoln, it turns out, hates werewolves.

That one would be a little harder to rationalize.

We start our tale with Jesus explaining exactly what’s going on, and in case you didn’t have some hint what you were getting into from the title, the first page should be enough to ward off readers who are going to be offended, or take this stuff too seriously. Writer Stephen Lindsay does a good job of getting that stuff out of the way by having Jesus say things like, “I never thought I’d have to use a baseball bat to kick some ass,” following that up with his anger at not having, “force-type powers and shit.”

There is a reason, though, one that I thought was pretty interesting, and actually aided the plot. Turns out Jesus’ “powers” are affected by how much faith there is amongst the people, and the height of a zombie infestation is probably a pretty faithless time.

After leaping from the top of a building, carrying his bat named “Samson,” Jesus goes ahead and dispatches some zombies. He receives an ovation from his buddy, “Laz,” a pseudo-retarded zombie who follows him around and serves as a sporadic shot of comedic relief, although honestly, it’s just comedy on top of comedy. The drama never hits too hard, here, but again, I’m not sure anyone was expecting any deep, soul searching inside these pages.

After the introduction to the son who needs no introduction, we hop back in time to 1862. Sixteenth President Abraham Lincoln gives us the story as to how he first encountered werewolves, and we’re thrown into his story as well.

In the “wilds of Indiana” young Abe was chopping wood for his father, and was sent out into forest to find more for the fire. Out among the trees he comes across his mortal enemy, but we don’t see the encounter until after another entry from Jesus.

Back in present day we find Jesus looking for a church full of believers he’s meant to aid, but unfortunately he’s having a little trouble. Naturally, being who he is, he has an effective means of problem solving.

“Come on pop! A little help would nice!” Jesus waves his fingers, kind of like an annoyed kid, and a representative of Heaven’s division of On-Star shows up, and gives our boy a little hint on how to get where he’s going.

That’s right, an angel shows up. How could one not? It’s just one problem after another for Jesus, though, as the messenger (who shall remain nameless, for those who hate too many spoilers) and he do not get along too well.

From there on out the book gets crazier and crazier. Zombies are fought, left behind, and the same goes for werewolves. Jesus pulls some pretty fancy moves for not having any “force-type powers” at his disposal, and in fact kind of resembles either a Jedi, or someone plugged into the Matrix in one particular fight. Lincoln is a much more gruff opponent, relying on brute strength rather than fancy martial arts.

Honestly, I would be pretty surprised if this book could offend anyone. Okay, I mean the actual content, because if you are offended, the title alone would dissuade you from reading. You have to go into this one knowing what you’re going to get, and they make it pretty simple, since the cover gives that away. Jesus talks like an 18-year-old Star Wars fan right from the start, so if you complain about the content you were looking for something to upset you.

So far the story is slightly interesting, and I actually was wondering what was going to happen next. At this point the reader doesn’t know what the connection between Jesus’ and President Lincoln’s story is, and that was one aspect that would keep me reading.

The art here is black and white, with minimal backgrounds. Focusing on the characters alone helps keep the readers eyes moving, which already moves at a nice pace thanks to the script, so this is one book you will most likely rocket through.

Along with the main story readers get a backup, another tale of Lincoln battling those nasty lycanthropes, along with a slew of pinups featuring the main characters. Is all of this enough to buy volume one of Jesus Hates Zombies, Lincoln Hates Werewolves though?

Ask yourself this: Do you like zombies, angels, and werewolves? If you do, then you could probably enjoy reading a story about the son of God and former President Abraham Lincoln protecting the world from their respective enemies. You just have to know what you’re getting in to.



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