The HBO horrorshow drama continues, much to the chagrin of Raf and Danny! In this week’s episode, witches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks. That is all.
Danny Djeljosevic: …you just calculated that, didn’t you?
Rafael: Oh, yeah — I Rain Man‘d that shit. But we’re at Episode 7, “Cold Grey Light of Dawn,” which is incidentally the episode we watched the least drunk… which says something.
Danny: Maybe you were the least drunk. I was incredibly drunk during this one.
Rafael: This is a True Milestone for True Blood. The episode opens with a scene of that dumb broad Marnie killing a vampire or something, and then the possessed spirit comes to the forefront, announcing “I’m back!” Cut to credits, and DING! The shortest amount of time that I was done with an episode of True Blood: 1′ 57″.
Danny: In this one, she gets choked by Pam but good.
Rafael: Oh, it’s because Tara’s involved in that coven bullshit. I’m going to tamp my rage ’til we get there. This fight was cool, but totes frontloaded. I realize now that when we saw tara fighting in a cage, it was to show how badass and tough she is. Bro, that was six episodes ago, and was a cheap ploy at best. This fight is resolved as quickly as Eric Northman slid into Cookie Crackhouse.
Danny: There’s a lot of sex in this episode, yo. We get to see Eric put it into Cookie’s crackhouse, then we get to see Italian Lumberjack saw down that blond chick.
Rafael: Man, as much boning as this episode featured, I felt like I was the one getting fucked — by bad storytelling. They should have called this show Tell Me You Love Me, with all that fucking going on. Do you even remember why Lumberjack and Not-Cookie were boning?
Danny: I cannot remember why Lumberjack and UnCookie were boning. Probably because they were horny.
Rafael: Yes, but without artistic reason for their boning, is it really a boning we want to watch? What do you think this show is, some kind of hashtag-centric nighttime trash with a self-importance streak?
Danny: I think there’s an entire DVD industry that will argue that point with you.
Danny: So, to deal with the threat of Marnie/Dark Phoenix, all the vampires strap themselves down with silver chains. Because that’s exciting television.
Rafael: See, because silver hurts them and whatever. I was hoping that when Marnie did the shit, the plan would backfire and you’d see a bunch of bifurcated vampires laying about in pain. How rad would that have been? And you could have had them all die and chopped the season in half.
Danny: I wish you wrote True Blood.
Rafael: We’re not bros anymore. We are not bros anymore. But we do get one of the raddest scenes in the series, where Jessica’s fine ass manages to escape from her chains, and as Bill begs her to take him out of the foil wrapper, she creeps to the light. The whole thing was awesome and dangerous until they pulled the ol’ white-lighter. Now we have to wait an entire week to not give a fuck.
Rafael: Man, yeah! I love Hoyt’s momma’s ignorant ass.
Danny: Whenever there’s dark humor, the show pulls it off pretty well.
Danny: I remember nothing about this subplot.
Rafael: Hoyt comes over and Jason thinks that he’s being confronted about his lust for Jessica, but Hoyt is just being a super dope friend, like the kind Jason doesn’t deserve.
“I’m worried about you.”
“What’d I do, Bubba?”
“…You were raped.”
IRL LOLZ
Danny: Hoyt’s a good guy. Jason’s a dumb guy. Amazing both of them have lived this long.
Rafael: They average out to a pretty swell dude.
Danny: I thought that was Beloved.
Rafael: That the baby apparently sees. And while this is happening. Our Mr. Bellafleur fucks up his date with the newest haunted blonde at Merlotte’s All because he’s jonesing for the wrong V.
NOTE: At this point Raf went in for a high five.
Danny: There needs to be more Andy shenanigans in these episodes. His drug-addicted bumbling makes for entertaining TV, but there’s not enough of it.
Rafael: We got a good fill though, and I love the little touches, like when he takes back the flowers. That poor waitress is trying, really trying to give him a chance… but he’s Andy Bellefleur, dangit.
Danny: And he got them flowers on sale at Winn-Dixie. Or is it… BECAUSE of Winn-Dixie?
Rafael: Our brodom is now in the negatives.
Danny: Does he kill his stupid brother? I forgot, and I don’t know how to Google.
Rafael: I’m pretty sure he beat
s him severely, probably excommunicates him, but I can’t be arsed to open another window on my computer for True Blood. But man, as much as I don’t like that kid or this story, it finally had its payoff, like when he killed his parents.
Danny: I will pour out some booze over the fallen quality of this show.
Danny: 
This shit is crap.
Rafael: 
Easily the worst of the season, even with all the fucking and stuff happening. If we lived in 17th century Salem, we could burn the producers for burning us.
Rafael: Only 41. 7% left. Send booze, Breaking Bad DVDs to ensure survival.
Danny: I don’t think we’re gonna make it, man.
For more True Blood hijinx, check out our reviews of previous Season 4 episodes:
Episode 4.01: “She’s Not There”
Episode 4.02: “You Smell Like Dinner”
Episode 4.03: “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'”
Episode 4.04: “I’m Alive and On Fire”
Episode 4.05: “Me and the Devil”
Episode 4.06: “I Wish I Was the Moon”
Danny Djeljosevic is a comic book creator, award-winning filmmaker (assuming you have absolutely no follow-up questions), film/music critic for Spectrum Culture and Co-Managing Editor of Comics Bulletin. Follow him on Twitter as @djeljosevic or find him somewhere in San Diego, often wearing a hat. Read his newest comic, “Sgt. Death and his Metachromatic Men,” over at Champion City Comics.
Rafael Gaitan was born in 1985, but he belongs to the ’70s. He is a big fan of onomatopoeia, being profane and spelling words right on the first try. Rafael has a hilariously infrequent blog and writes love letters to inanimate objects as well as tweets of whiskey and the mysteries of the heart at @bearsurprise. He ain’t got time to bleed.