We didn’t have much to say about True Blood this week. Some things happen, some other things don’t happen, and then it’s over. Cool. we can’t wait until this season’s over.
Danny Djeljosevic: That can’t be true. That’s so few episodes! That almost makes me happy.
Rafael: But sweet merciful crap, this episode was kinda a return to piss-poor form.
Danny: Yeah, it was a totally representative episode of True Blood. It was not good, but it had its moments.
Rafael: I will say, we did not expect them to top or even equal last week’s. But I’m prepared to admit that this episode did wrap up a lot of stupid crap. Making way for an orgy of blood. True blood.
Danny: That scene showed us the value of variables. When we saw Eric in the scene, it was really interesting. But when Marnie put him away in the closet, the scene became 100% less interesting.
Rafael: Literally the second Eric goes into the closet (sorry, 10% of y’all,) it immediately becomes another chapter of The Craft: The Internet Flash Episode.
Danny: I wish I were watching The Craft. That movie is sexy.
Rafael: Yeah, I don’t know which orifice I wanted to stuff myself into: Fairuza Balk or Fairuza Balk’s teeth.
Danny: They cut away from the dream sequence and returned to it later like it was a legit subplot. That makes no sense to me.
Rafael: Though we get to see Bill Condom and Eric be catty to one another, and eventually both of them decide to bury themselves in Cookie at the same time. While I mostly can do without the gratuitous sex, God bless the inventors of red underwear.
Danny: I think I had too much wine, because I suddenly remembered that Cookie got shot, but did not see her get healed. What’s up with that, Raf?
Rafael:You know, I was watching, and I presume that someone fed her some vampire blood. The dream had to be a result of the hallucination, like when she and Eric were boning. …and now I know I’ve watched too much True Blood, or TV in general. But yes, she suddenly wakes up, fully clothed, and then whatthefuckever.
Danny: That dream sequence was such a waste of time. All that soft focus surreality just screamed HEY THIS IS A DREAM, making it really hard to care.
Rafael: Seriously, it could have been excised with little to no repercussion. It feels like Alan Ball and crew literally had no way to get the three into the same room until the end, so they said, “Fuck it, we’ll do it in a dream.”
Danny: The being possessing Lafayette bursts into Hoyt’s house with Terry and Arleen’s baby, claiming it’s her house. Hoyt then gets the fuck out of there. Sans pants.
Rafael: This scene literally kept balancing itself out: for every scene of Lafayette doing his shit or Boyfriend confronting him with magic, there was Terry and Andy fighting over who would go in, and Jason Crackhouse being forced to take command. At least they finally finished this boring storyline with an awesome exorcism.
Rafael: It was well-earned, though. This show is constantly pulling the bait-and-switch. It thinks it’s Commander’s Palace, when we just want some fucking Popeye’s, y’all.
Danny: Either way, this is salty and greasy. And goes great with ketchup.
Rafael: Well done. But thank goodness that’s done with.
Danny: So much Skullet.
Rafael: Man, they need to stop forcing Italian Lumberjack and Skullet and ’em down our throats. Though when Sam’s brother pretends to be Sam (because… why?) and they shit the living kick out of him, that was some gratifying violencia.
Danny: He wanted Were-folk to beat him up? I really don’t understand why he did it.
Rafael: That’s what I’m saying! He sees the card that Skullet leaves, morphs in and flaps his gums, and then gets whooped. Some odd form of penance to Sam? I watched this episode sober and I don’t understand why this is there.
Danny: At least somebody hits him, right?
Danny: And then… more vampires come and fuck everybody’s shit up. Technically speaking. Well, they just kill some guards and everyone freaks out.
Rafael: I will say, I do enjoy a good abrupt ending, so as the shit starts and Cookie yells “Run!” I might even say I was interested in saying I want to know what happens.
Danny: I don’t expect to be satisfied when they come back to that next episode.
I was exactly half as engaged as I was the week previous. Like Bill Condom with a semi-boner mourning the loss of a military officer, I was at half-mast the whole time.
I wish I were watching cartoons instead.
Rafael: Tut-teut, Danny. Better cartoons.
For more True Blood hijinx, check out ou
r reviews of previous Season 4 episodes:
Episode 4.01: “She’s Not There”
Episode 4.02: “You Smell Like Dinner”
Episode 4.03: “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'”
Episode 4.04: “I’m Alive and On Fire”
Episode 4.05: “Me and the Devil”
Episode 4.06: “I Wish I Was the Moon”
Episode 4.07: “Cold Grey Light of Dawn”
Episode 4.08: “Spellbound”
Danny Djeljosevic is a comic book creator, award-winning filmmaker (assuming you have absolutely no follow-up questions), film/music critic for Spectrum Culture and Co-Managing Editor of Comics Bulletin. Follow him on Twitter as @djeljosevic or find him somewhere in San Diego, often wearing a hat. Read his newest comic, “Sgt. Death and his Metachromatic Men,” over at Champion City Comics.
Rafael Gaitan was born in 1985, but he belongs to the ’70s. He is a big fan of onomatopoeia, being profane and spelling words right on the first try. Rafael has a hilariously infrequent blog and writes love letters to inanimate objects as well as tweets of whiskey and the mysteries of the heart at @bearsurprise. He ain’t got time to bleed.