Counting down the Seven Things You Need to Know about Countdown to Final Crisis #7!
7. Perchance to Dream. Once I finished reading this week’s Countdown, I fell promptly asleep. Head down on my desk, the comic pressed against my temple, its contents drifted up into my head – not unlike my hero, Linus Van Pelt. I began to dream. Figures drifted out of a swirling mist and approached me, one by one. I realized then that it was the characters from this issue, wishing to speak. Let me tell you what they said…
6. "It's Donna Troy, bitch. Let me get that cover out of the way first; green and hot pink? Even Extrano wouldn't be caught dead on that cover. Hey, Carlin! What gives with the Big Three there? I only saw Superman there at the Hall of Justice – we're not that desperate for sales, are we? Anyway, I just wanted to say that the whole "what Earth is it?" thing hurt my head, and honestly, the clues or whatever were so meager that I'm wondering if any of our readers even care anymore. Me, I'm just embarrassed that we kept standing around arguing again while Karate Kid was dying…"
5. "Atom, here. Okay, I kind of blew it - again. I really didn't have any concrete reason to pull the team out of there once Firestorm burst in like an idiot. I panicked. Not sure why; in fact, I really haven't been acting like myself lately. Okay, for months. And although I shouldn't have, I kind of laughed to myself when Una got all, "We've been carrying him around like luggage…" and whatnot. True, yes, and sad, definitely, but the real kicker was when I got all stupid and lied to her, telling her we were "doing our best." Yeah, like anybody really believed that. Now, if I could only stop acting like I was the leader of our little schizophrenic band – I'm afraid they'll all figure me out for the loser I’ve become…"
4. "I'm Mary Bat…err, Mary Marvel. Yes, Mary Marvel. Kyle took me to the side at one point and told me that I was really starting to scare him, what with acting like an adult one minute and a spoiled little brat the next. Before I could say anything he then asked me why my lightning bolt symbol was now black! Why does everybody keep picking on me?!? I mean, I stopped using Black Adam's powers – even though, yeah, I for some strange reason keep reminding everybody of it every few pages or so. Hey, sue me, I guess. I'm only hanging around with these guys 'cause I'm lonely and my own brother still won't speak to me…just wish Kyle would stop grabbing me under my skirt! Or was that Jason? Hmm, sometimes it was hard to tell the difference. Oh, well, maybe we should worry more about whathisname, the Kung Fu guy…"
3. "You can call me Jimmy Olsen, Superman's Pal. I'm one of the only remaining characters in this book with a shred of my decency left. I was kinda surprised when they all took off and then came right back to find me. What was up with that? And why were they still toting that future guy around, gutted like a fish? Yak-yak-yakkety-yak. Hey, did I say I was Superman's pal? I think it was really impressing the chicks when I was giving them my "super secret science lab" line. Dig me: "The usual." Heh. But gotta play it cool, 'cause I think I can still get out of this book intact, go back to my pal's titles and forget this whole thing ever happened. I thought I was maybe, kind of, you know, developing something with Forager, but lately we don't seem to have any time to even mention that 'something' we had. I get so crazy for her that it even makes me forget to tell people that I have controllable powers now! Sh'yeah. Too bad my man Dubbilex didn't recognize me. Whelp, got to keep on keepin' on…"
2. "My designation is Dubbilex. Had I been allowed to become something of fixture in this publication long before the seventh-to-last issue, I might have made a difference. As it is, I exist here merely as window dressing, a curiosity to be trotted out, oohed and ahhed at, then conveniently forgotten like most else that is unique and interesting in this series. At this point I'm trying to devise an "anti-stupid" pill to administer to all parties. After discovering that these people were transporting a corpse with them, I think it's a highly advisable course of action. Why, it appeared as if this gentleman had been dead for quite a measurement of time…as if this group had been, well, standing around talking while he was dying! Humans…"
1. "I'm Val. I'm dead. What a waste."
Major Tom to Ground Control: "And the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round…"
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